Secretary General Ban Ki-moon,
I am the Secretary of State, Homeland Security, Interior, and Defense, Prime Minister, and the Dear Leader of the Principality of Sealand, Thomas Tuttle. I am writing to address the United Nation’s continued refusal to recognize the Principality of Sealand as a sovereign state and invite us to join the United Nations.
To, again, briefly state the case for the Principality of Sealand, firstly it must be acknowledged that Sealand is beyond three miles from the British mainland, and therefore is outside of England’s authority. England itself has acknowledged this truth and lays no claim to Sealand. If anything, the government of Sealand is doing Britain and the surrounding nations a favor by existing. To care for and govern territory in the middle of the ocean would be a burden upon respective governments and their citizens. Even the great colonizers such as America and England have no interest in Sealand due to the lack of natural resources (mind you, both historically pillaging nations are members of the UN). Lastly, looking at some of the scaliwags allowed into the UN, such as human rights disaster areas like Iran, most of Africa, Russia, and so on, exclusion is rather insulting. The Principality of Sealand has never invaded another sovereign nation, committed genocide on our own people, engaged in the use of chemical or nuclear weapons, nor have I personally plastered shirtless pictures of myself riding a bear into the hotel rooms of guests at the Olympics. All of the aforementioned charges, nearly every nation in you club have committed twice over. Sealand would be a proper addition with a unique perspective on world affairs, and is not run by and gang of criminals. While as of 2004 as many as 74 of your 184 members were “free” democracies (let’s not dare say what that makes the others), that’s a number that could always use some bolstering.
Sealand has made numerous overtures over the years in hopes of persuading yourself and your predecessor Kofi Annan to allow Sealand into the UN. We have sent you the finest salt-water taffies and fish we have to offer. We have offered numerous peace treaties and voiced support for the council despite the outcry of our citizens. When repeatedly denied, sure, we may have gotten carried away with attempted embargos and declarations of war (which mind you, our beef with Uganda has not tempered with time), but our intentions have always been pure.
However, I know now my efforts are in vain, but as the lone member of this nation I am quite lonesome, and could use the company. This man is an island. Though with my lack of loved ones and anyone to care for, I also have a valuable asset; time, all the time in the world to poke around the mainstay of the Sealand economy, our massive server farm, the world’s largest. Sealand is a popular destination for torrent websites, pornographic pages, and search engines because of our utter lack of regulation and relatively low taxes. The only regulation really is that I have access to what is on these servers, a minor clause which most companies are happy to oblige. I mean, I’m just one guy. With my ample time, I have been able to research the interests of many world leaders through their Internet browsing history. Samples of my findings are as follows:
- Russian PM Vladimir Putin most often searches for “living with a micro-penis.”
- Former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad often submits articles such as “9 Problems Only Girls With Big Butts Will Understand” to Buzzfeed.
- Pope John Paul II often posted on fan forums of the famed “Naughty Midget Nurses” adult film trilogy, favoring the third film “Anal Fist This”
- The Dali Lama searches for “big black butts,” as do coincidentally most U.S. congress members in the South, regardless of party.
- Former First Lady, US Senator, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton searches “Monica Lewinsky how to dismember body” on an hourly basis. Her husband former President Bill Clinton also searches the same name but followed with “upskirt pics.”
- Former US President Barack Obama has a foot fetish
- Former British Prime Minister David Cameron often views amputee pornography
I won’t even bother going into Trump. So that is enough for now. Though, I have one more. It seems that you, honorable Ban Ki-moon, do not believe there necessarily needs to be grass growing on the field to play ball, as it were.
To be candid, it would be a shame if I were not accepted to the United Nations by your next session. I can’t take another failure. It may break me. I might be forced to commit genocide on my people (myself I guess) and achieve the first full ethnic cleansing of any nation ever. It would also be a shame if, aside from having the blood of a nation on your hands (though I’m sure you’re familiar with the feeling), I, in my last crazed act, sent this document and the evidence to every major news outlet in the world and expose your intense and passionate love of children.
I hope you sincerely consider my application,
– Secretary of State, Homeland Security, Interior, and Defense, Prime Minister, and the Dear Leader of the Principality of Sealand, Thomas Tuttle